New Beginnings; My Path to A New Life
“With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts”
On several occasions, I had passed by the little door with the painted sign for "New Beginnings," and I thought it was a program offered to young families or for those with newborns. It was located adjacent to my hair salon, and every visit, I would wonder what types of services they offered. I thought I should research it for my own patients who could use a little extra guidance along the way. But I was wrong, their purpose is not for new families; they serve those who have been impacted by sexual abuse and violence, both direct and indirect victims.
In January of this year, as my hope was dwindling, I began sending emails to different support groups for parents who had endured similar circumstances as mine. I argued daily with people of authority to "do what was right." Every day, I would have another door slammed in my face, and another person would tell me, "there is nothing we can do." I was frustrated, depressed, and completely lost. I would wake the next day to fight the same battles again. With each passing day, I began to lose all hope that anything would be accomplished, but the world would continue turning in the wrong direction, and I was spiraling out of control.
During one of my website searches, I discovered an ad for "New Beginnings." I laughed to myself for thinking it was a service offered for new families as I clicked on the website. I soon realized it was nothing I had expected, but exactly what I needed. There was an emergency telephone number, and outside of my usual personality, I immediately dialed the number. I left a message for the on-call triage person, and within a few minutes, she called me back. I explained the situation and my state of mind finishing with, "I am not sure you can help me, but I am hopeful." I had an appointment within a week.
I met Emalee during my first interview, and we connected quickly. I knew she was knowledgeable in the first few minutes of conversing with her, and her calming voice helped increase my level of comfort. I began to explain the reason I was there, and she listened intently to me while I described the status in which I was trying but failing to function. She was nonjudgmental. Then I dropped the ball; this isn't the ONLY reason I am here. "I too have had a traumatic past, and I think, maybe or maybe not, I am not sure, that the past trauma has made this situation much harder to deal with."
Emalee questioned my confession, asking only for minor details, and quickly transformed my counseling to match the new disclosure of facts I had shared. I felt uncomfortable and ashamed as I set on that couch, but my journey had begun, and I wasn't turning back.
During the following sessions, we worked through anxiety triggers, "catastrophizing," and general life events that can lead to extreme psychological distress. She sent me with worksheets to fill out, offering ideas to benefit my personal anxieties, and help me cope with my overwhelming emotions. I don't sit on the couch week after week reliving sordid details of my life. We discuss the anxiety I have had my entire life and how traumatic events have developed that fear into something I could no longer control. She has given me self confidence to know I can break this cycle and not run from or bury what I am afraid of any longer.
Next week, she is proposing we start EMDR therapy, and I am apprehensive. I have, of course, researched the purpose and outcomes of EMDR. I have read how intense and overwhelming this therapy may be. I am an expert at burying pieces of my past, and bringing them to the forefront of my mind scares me now. But I am recognizing my resolutions for past adversity have not been productive, and I am faced with surprising moments of fear, anxiety, and at worst, PTSD symptoms I cannot control. Maybe this will be my release, and perhaps it is another road I need to take to find that peace that has eluded me. For this, I will ask that anyone who has endured this therapy, that feels comfortable sharing their story, will do so to help put my mind at ease. I thank you ahead of time.
I am not writing this for people to make assumptions about my life, as I know they will. This is my story to tell at a pace I wish to share. But I left counseling today thinking, "there are so many others who could benefit from this, and maybe they're unaware it is there." No one should ever have to face hopelessness and helplessness alone. It is worth the awkwardness, the pain, and the commitment to confront their darkest fears. I hope someday I am to a point where I can also help those victims of sexual violence; I never want anyone to feel they have to do it on their own.